At the infant massage class I talked about in the last entry all the other moms were breastfeeding their babies and we were the only couple bottle-feeding (with formula, no less.) I had some angsty pangs about that which irritated me since I've stressed to myself a million times that bottle-feeding Essie is NO BIG DEAL.
Well, apparently I didn't believe myself, but I think my issue is more with the opinions of other parents than it is with Essie or her health. Essie is obviously thriving, getting fatter and happier and healthier all the time. My angst stems from the fact that I feel like I may be looked down on for my 'choice'.
It wasn't much of a choice. Essie resisted breastfeeding very strongly. I was never happy with pumping at any point anyhow, and when my milk supply got harder and harder to maintain it got a lot easier to mix formula and bottle-feed her; something she was entirely content with. Instead of an agitated, unhappy baby at every feeding I had a happy, satisfied baby. It made sense to me.
I could explain that to anyone I suspect might be raising a mental brow at me when they see us bottle-feeding, but since I am a paranoid person at the best of times it's more likely that there are no mental brows and I'm being overly sensitive to perceived prejudice. While Essie was at the hospital, though, the pressure to breastfeed or at least pump breastmilk for bottle feeding was overt, and I've heard from other new moms that even with a regular, non-preemie birth there is still great pressure placed on them to breastfeed over anything else. So I do get anxious that the moms who have bought into it and think that anything less is wrong will be judging me when they see me with a bottle.
All that said, I was very aware of the fact that at the massage class Andrew was the only dad who also fed his baby, and I'm pretty sure he was the only dad who burped his baby (although I could be wrong on that one.) It's a positive about this bottle-feeding business that I'm appreciating more and more. It affords me more freedom, yes, but it also allows Andrew to bond with Essie and take on aspects of her care that he wouldn't otherwise be likely to. I love that when we're all in bed together she'll lay there quietly watching him for long, long stretches, just staring at him. He gets great smiles from her and she'll do all she can to catch his attention when he's absorbed in something.
So I guess I need to let go of feeling so self-conscious about not breastfeeding Ess. I am aware of so many positives as a result of bottle-feeding that it's just stupidly self-indulgent at this point to think it's any big deal, especially since it's having no adverse affects on the one it matters to most: our daughter.
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It occurs to me that pressure to breastfeed is another way of telling women what they should and shouldn't do with their bodies--something that feminists react very strongly against in other contexts.
So, yeah, breastfeeding versus bottlefeeding: your body, your choice. And I do love that I can look after Essie's needs in this way too.
I'm sorry the infant massage class gave you something to stress about!
I think that probably in most cases women don't assume much if they see someone bottle feeding their baby. In your case, it might have been any of the following scenarios:
1) With Essie being a preemie, maybe she just couldn't get the whole suckling thing down and so you had to bottle feed.
2) Maybe it IS breastmilk in that bottle, but you chose to bottle feed in public because it is easier for you and because Andrew can do it too. Or maybe it's a personal choice (like you aren't comfortable 'whipping it out' in public.. lots of women like that out there!).
3) Maybe you had problems with your milk supply and it just didn't work out with breastfeeding.
4) Maybe you have a medical reason for not breastfeeding - medication you are on that would be passed to your child but is crucial for you to be on.
5) Maybe for personal reasons you don't want to breastfeed and choose formula instead.
And so on. So basically, I think most women I meet aren't that judgmental, since there are SO MANY reasons why someone might not breast feed, and it's not just 'don't wanna!'. And those who are judgmental can stick it. :p
(besides... I can't reveal specifics about the people you met, obviously, but I can say that the majority of women I see through pregnancy tell me they had at least SOME problems breastfeeding. That shit is hard, yo. So they do understand).
Candice; it wasn't the infant massage class! Any venue with a group of breastfeeding moms had the potential to make me feel that way. Yours just happened to be the first I encountered since Essie's birth. So it was inevitable, and I expected to have to deal with some mix of emotions regarding breastfeeding in just such a case! In the end I'm very glad that I'm seeing a lot of the positives instead of just wringing my hands and feeling like a failure.
Positives are good, and indeed you have a good list of them. :)
Also this has nothing to do with this entry, but I'm amused by the 'words' your word verification thingy uses when you post comments. :p
Oh the woes! As you know, I am on the brink of this as well, and I do understand the whole "I feel slightly less capable as a mom" crap. Believe me. The tears aren't just for the bleeding (although they have a good share of them). But my way of looking at it is (1) our babes are out of the danger area, where breastmilk provides so much more for them than formula can and (2) they are happy and healthy and cute little bundles of giggles and fat rolls. With those things in mind, the fact that we get the option now of saying to our other halves "here, you do it" and we can skip off to have a lovely 2 hour bath and a bottle of wine without having to worry about the repercussions to the milk (not that I am saying that is what should be done with the free time...lol) is just a great big bonus. I know my hubby loves spending time with Riley and being part of what is a major part of Riley's life right now.
But, that having been said, I do understand. Just remember: You provided her with what she needed most to help her get stronger and bigger and home to you while she was in the NICU/Level II (the breastmilk), and now you are providing her with what she needs most at home - a full tummy and lots of love.
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