I think this song is about me.

OK, one of the weird things about having a premature baby in the hospital is that you are watched and analyzed in a way that parents of full-term, healthy babies are definitely not. When we go in to see our girl our visits get entered in her daily chart and there is a checklist of parental involvement that the nurses have to keep an eye on.

This is for a sensible reason. There are parents who react badly to having a premature baby. They don't know how to relate to this tiny, alarming being. If the baby is especially ill some parents are scared out of their minds and don't know how to deal with it, so end up avoiding the NICU and having to handle their baby. The nurses and doctors need to be aware of this so they can address the situation and help the parents cope.

This hasn't been a problem for us. We go in to see her every day. We gladly change her diapers, hold her, take her temperature, wipe her face and do all the little things we can do for her. Now that she's in level 2 we're encouraged to do even more for her and so far we're loving it.

Because I yam who I yam, though, this is crazy-making for me. I love my baby, I am not afraid to handle her, bathe her, change her, feed her, do all the things for her that as a mother I have to and want to do, but while she's in the hospital this stuff is being monitored and I find it really intimidating. I have this irrational fear that no matter how hard I try, something will be found lacking.

Of course if she'd gone full-term I'd have had her and then been sent home ASAP. There wouldn't be anyone keeping an eye on how many times a day I feed her, how much time I spend with her, what bathing technique I use. I am an overly-private person (in my RL, not so much online, I guess) so this situation pushes all my buttons and I have to work hard to remember that it's not personal.

The nurse who did the bath demo with us the other night said that in a sense the parents of preemies who are first-time parents are lucky to have this extended period of acclimatization. Having the opportunity to learn all the things you've never done before in a setting with professionals who can show you what to do instead of having to figure it out on your own is a luxury. She's totally right. It's my personal oddities that make the 'being monitored' aspect of it difficult for me and I know it. Parents of full-term babies no longer stay in the hospital long enough to experience that kind of nursing care and our nurse said it made her sad.

Do not get me wrong. I am inexpressibly grateful for Shaughnessy's time in the NICU. I have total respect and admiration for WCH and the staff. They have made the scariest time of my life so much easier than it could have been and I will gladly continue to forgo privacy and autonomy in my interactions with my daughter as long as it's in her best interests. If it had to be that way for the rest of her life I'd do it and do it willingly. But the day that she comes home and she's all mine, MINE, MINE! Well; that'll be a really good day. :)